ONE FISH THAT JUMPED OUT OF THE RIVER

The Testimony of Matt D. (Sussex, UK)
http://www.fardistant.demon.co.uk/tb/matt.htm

I experienced the TB when I first visited Brighton at Terry Virgo's church, Church of Christ the King, 13 months ago.  In hindsight, I was sucked in totally.  Among many things that occurred, I was required to be "discipled".  This I found out just two days ago was a lie.  I was listening to your [Banner Ministries] tape on Restoration churches and shepherding.  This described that part of my experience totally!

I experienced all the manifestations, from falling, to swimming, to growling, laughing, crying, convulsing, shaking -- the works.  I really thought I was going through life-changing spiritual experiences.  But the fruits were superficial.  I had a "love" for Jesus, I sang of His kisses, of seeing Him run over mountains and peer through doors.  Yet I always seemed to wonder where my "lover" was.  I experienced times of absolute depression and anxiety.  I would start crying for no reason.  I would scream at God and swear at Him.  I couldn't understand where this "God of love" was when I felt like that.  At times my anxiety would become physical and I had one or two panic attacks.

Sometimes the depression and anxiety would come at the same time.  It was unbearable.  Many times, during this time, I considered turning away from God and returning to my old life.

I struggled too, with my quiet times.  I just never had any!  I couldn't spend time with God, it was such a struggle.  I really thought I had missed the mark, I thought that there was something really wrong with me.  I thought: "I fall, I shake, I laugh, I do all of this and I can't spend some time on my own with God."

I was hearing testimonies like: "my life is wonderful"; "I feel so close to God".  These didn't really encourage me, but only seemed to lower my esteem.

I still had many hurts from my past inside of me, and I guessed from people and what they said that the TB would be a release for me.  But it only served to make me look at these hurts and feel even worse.  I kept shouting at God to take them away, still I shook, etc, but they remained.

Looking back, I can now see that my walk with God took a real and serious nosedive.  I was falling into sin and feeling far away from my Saviour.  I couldn't get out of the sin, and yet I was being convinced that I was meeting with God and my life was changing.  During this time, two close friends of mine left the Fellowship because of things being taught, and because of the TB.  I was advised not to have any contact with them, or receive ministry from them because they were "in rebellion" and because I was under the authority of the person discipling/shepherding me, so I stayed away.

Occasionally I would see them, yet because I was told these people were wrong, I felt very uncomfortable and judgmental.  This didn't feel right, again, but because I was told this about them, I figured it was a reaction of the Holy Spirit in me, reacting to the "spirit of rebellion" in them.  It was frowned upon by a few people that I still saw them at all.

Something happened though, when I visited them.  They asked me firstly why I believe in revival.  I couldn't really give an answer.  I just assumed that because it was preached at church, it must be true.  Over a period of time, they gently brought me to a point of questioning the TB.  So I did.  (Now this is where the fun begins!)

They had brought me to the point where I actually went to church with a questioning heart.  I did manifest, but not as much as I normally would.  (I took note.)  I would see people rolling about and it just didn't ring true with me.  I was horrified when Terry Virgo encouraged us to get together in a circle and hold hands as a sign of "unity" and to let the power flow through us.

I remember the final turning point really came when I asked God to protect me.  I don't know why I did it, I just did.  The meeting ended up in the usual TB standard.  When an elder who prayed for me was manifesting (I peeked) I just stood there while he "prayed" and nothing happened at all!!!  Praise God!  Later on, someone else prayed for me and even started to push.  Still nothing happened.  A little later, an elder called for a group of people to be prayed for.  I was
included in this group.  He boldly declared that "we are going to see the power of God come upon these people", I waited with baited breath.  People were falling, convulsing and groaning.  There I was...standing.  I was convinced!

I decided to look into this a bit more.  I read literature and saw a video by Alan Morrison.  I felt thoroughly sick.  I called up a ministry in America, Ariel Ministries run by Arnold Fruchtenbaum.  I was told that they would send me some material, but it would take 4-6 WEEKS to reach me.  FIVE DAYS later, it popped through my door!  Now I was hungry for more, and some answers to some questions.  I was then introduced to your [Banner Ministries] tapes.

It was a testing time.  My life was turned upside down.  Everything I had taken for granted was utterly destroyed.  I really cried out to God:  "Help. Lord!".  He spoke Proverbs 3 -5:6 to me.  ["Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths".]  All I had to do was trust Him, so I did.  I decided to write a letter to the elders at church declaring my feeling and also my concerns.  I suggested a meeting.

By this time, my "shepherd" was condemning my two friends, which hurt me, so I laid my heart on the line with him.  Our friendship wasn't quite the same after that.

Anyway, I met up with an elder, armed with scripture and questions.  He came up with two conclusions: (1) the Bible is a book of principles.  (2) I was a "dispensationalist"/pre-millennialist.  He referred me to the Senior Pastor.  I came away from that first meeting frustrated.  No answers.  (He also told me that if in a year I was still the same, my position in the church would be questioned.  I.e., I was put on probation. Is that biblical?)

Within two weeks, I was in the Senior Pastor's office.  (He is John Hosier.)  As I understood it, he's a Greek scholar and a Theologian.  Again, I went in with questions and scriptures.  To my utter amazement, HE NEVER ONCE OPENED A BIBLE.  All he said, in an hour, was experientially:  "people did strange things when the Holy Spirit came upon them in the Bible"; and "auto-suggestion does take place" and "keep the spirit of unity".  Also, what came across was that he didn't
really care what I thought as long as I didn't rock the boat.

I came away from that meeting totally crushed.  So I wrote him a letter almost demanding some biblical answers.  Four days later I left the church.

When I finally made the decision to leave, it was as if my eyes were totally opened.  The last meeting I attended was awful.  False prophecy, trimphalism, TB, Word-of-Faith preached and not the Word of God.  It was awful.

My life since leaving has improved so much.  In only two months I spend time with God every morning (mostly).  I read the Word, I study the Bible, the Cross has become totally central to my life.  I repent more, I am aware of my sin, I have real fellowship with my Lord, I feel I really know my Lord.  My zeal for evangelism has returned and so has my zeal to seek God's will more and more.

I am now in a lovely fellowship.  The Pastor and I see eye to eye on this issue which is such a blessing.  I really feel in my heart that God is calling me to keep my eyes open in this fellowship for deception.  I have discussed this with the Pastor and he is okay about it.  I am now looking forward to my life with the Lord as I walk with Him along the narrow path.

I apologise for the length of my letter but I felt in my heart to share my experiences with you.  To be honest, I don't know why, but I would like you to feel free to share any part of my testimony with others if you feel led to do so.  All I want is to see people come out of their deception and set free, and if this can be used to do that, then please feel free to do so.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let your heart be troubled not, neither let it be afraid."

(signed) Matt D.